I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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