Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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