This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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