I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
