Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
