I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize