I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
