what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
