I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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