Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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