I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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