put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
