Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
barbara walters just said penis...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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