She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
