he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
