I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
