From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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