Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
