You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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