we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
