My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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