i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
