i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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