Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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