whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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