For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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