You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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