Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
