Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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