Soap is not a condiment
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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