I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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