If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
