My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
