Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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