Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
