There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
