Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
