WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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