Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
