Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
