I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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