my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
