she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
