matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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