So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
