Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
