i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just cropdusted the office
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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