Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
