My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
