Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
