i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you never un-have a 4some
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Come on in and take your pants off
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