The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
