I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
