wanna go halves on a baby?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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