it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
