i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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