his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
