so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
