You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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