Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she peed on how many people?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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