i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize